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fartcatcher

Perfect Dinner Party

Not that we do that sort of thing any more.

It was a quiet night in the land that time forgot. Me and mrs fc were watching 'The World's Shittiest Weather (Vol 1' on the telly whilst consuming a couple of bottles of Tescos Cloudy Cider.

I would have Jack Dee (fellow miserable bastard), Jenny Agutter (preferably in a nurse's uniform) and Meera Syal.
She would have George Clooney (how bloody predictable), Tony Blair (she has a few questions she'd like to ask him) and Alex Polizzi (to do the cooking I expect).

I managed to persuade her that Russell Brand wouldn't be a good idea as you'd just end up with a headache.

Surprisingly, neither of us chose each other.

We decided as a bonus, we'd be allowed to choose an additional person to tie up, gag and poke sticks into.

We both chose Jeremy Clarkson!
Heyho

Tim Booth would be on my list.

Also would love a chat with The Queen to see exactly what she is like.

Maybe add Neil Young as well

And some really pompous and intellectual High Court judge for arguments sake

I suppose I would better round the numbers off with a bit of eye candy although with that company they would need a bit of intellect so that rules most out.
Cutsyke

I'll get back to this. Like it.
Heyho

Heyho wrote:
Tim Booth would be on my list.

Also would love a chat with The Queen to see exactly what she is like.

Maybe add Neil Young as well

And some really pompous and intellectual High Court judge for arguments sake

I suppose I would better round the numbers off with a bit of eye candy although with that company they would need a bit of intellect so that rules most out.


Thinking about it maybe Zoey Ball. She's aging well is that lass.
Dock

Do the guests have to be living?
Heyho

Dock wrote:
Do the guests have to be living?


I was wondering that. I decided to tell myself yes otherwise the worlds yer oyster - Churchill, Hitler, Atilla the Hun, Saville!!!! Maybe even Shakespeare, Jim Morrison, Janice Joplin

I think we should limit it to living.
Sir Bulldog Craggwood

I'd have just me, some of the finest looking nymphos from Hollywood history in their prime and a soup laced with viagra and MDMA and a few bottles of fine champagne

Or was that Jack Nicholson's ideal dinner party? I forget
Dock

John Francome
Gerry Adams
Eddie Izzard
Cormac McCarthy

Those four would be good for conversation and debate. Maybe four separate dinners with each one would be better for me personally.
fartcatcher

Mrs FC was toying with the idea of inviting Bowie as she's a bit of a fan.

I said all right as long as he promises not to sing. He ended up on the reserve list in case any of the other guys couldn't make it.

I drew the line at her suggestion of Jean-Jacues Burnel. Bound to start a fight.

My reserve was Wilko Johnson. With guitar.
Heyho

fartcatcher wrote:
My reserve was Wilko Johnson. With guitar.


That seals my final guest then. Saw Wilko last year over a weekend of gigs and also playing was Jefferson Airplane. Lead singer is Catherine Richardson - now she can bellow out a tune. I wonder if she would object to me asking her to sing naked (and thats with no clothes on and not an obscure song title buy the way).
Cutsyke

Anthony Bourdain  - wrote Kitchen Confidential, one of my favourite books. Love his shows. Seems easy going and up for a few shandies.

Edwyn Collins - One of my favourite musicians of all time. Genuinely nice bloke and witty with it. Met him once got the impression we'd still be chatting now if I hadn't reminded him he had a gig to do.

Grace Maxwell - bit of a cheat but Edwyn's better half - wrote Falling & Laughing, another great book. She is really nice. If you're ever unsure what love is, go see the two of them in the same room.

John Prine - a bit like Edwyn but older and taller.

Darline Love - she could tell a tale and we'd have a great sing along after pudding, guaranteed.

Audrey Tautou - why? You have to ask

Tina Fey - can't beat a funny lady.

Lance Armstrong - just to make everyone feel a bit uneasy until the ale kicked in.

We'd have roast beef Mash and Shepard's pie.

Contemplated inviting Paul McCartney but fuck doing extra carrots.
Late Doors

My perfect dinner party would be any that doesn't involve me. I can't imagine anything worse than stuck at a table while some stressed host apologises for any slight imperfections less anybody thinks bad of her and a bunch of guests stiffen with painful etiquette simultaneously assessing the quality and dreading the night they have to return the favour. It only ever works when you are bestest buds with each other and completely at ease. The chances of that happening with a bunch of egotistical vainglorious celebs who are not in the slightest bit interested in you or anything other than their precious opinions that more often than not make you want to grind their smug mouths into a red hot gas ring are at best, slim.

That said im sure some if my "heroes" would make an effort to be agreeable and i wouldn't mind a few beers and a Chinese banquet with. Them i think would cut it in the acceptably behaved department are .

MrsD obviously. Mark Steel, witty, bang on it and socially likeable i would imagine. Vic n Bob just have to be together and the whole place would fizz. Irish people are usually always guaranteed to lift any occasion so  comedienne. Dara O'Briain  and Aisling Bea  would do but then again so would dozens of others.

PJ Harvey, Mark Riley, Stuart Maconie. Poly Toynbee, Denis Skinner and Howard Wilkinson would all fill me with education, wisdom, stories and no doubt hilarity from their respective fields.

Entertainment would be provided by Mark Kozelek playing and raconteuring whilst chef Ken Lo spit roasts Piers Morgan over an open fire. Yeah that's the kind of dinner party i could get on board with
Dock

Point of bastard order. I thought we were only allowed three or four guests. What a Swizz. Right, I'll think of some more.

Morrissey
Michael Head from Shack (if I'm lucky he'll bring his guitar)
Paddy Considine
Joe Gilgun
Gruff Rhys
Brian Blessed
Amir Khan

Maybe not even a dinner party, just a few beers sat round the table.
carp

A bag of chips and Clarkson to poke with a stick.
Cutsyke

Gruff is a good shout. I've been out drinking with Mick Head, you don't want him round your house.

Point of order, everything's bigger in America, I might invite more.

I'll send you my mother in law if you want Irish people. Queen of the obituaries.
Dock

Wow Cuts you've met Michael Head???? I love Shack and think HMS Fable is one of the best albums I've ever heard or am ever likely to hear. What's he like? I'd like to shake his hand and say 'Thanks La' for writing such an amazingly superb record.
Grind

All my bestest Reg mates.

* Table for one then.

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