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Butts

How we found Plastic Man...

... or more to the point how did you find us?

Intriguing nom de guerre  - implies an enlightened approach to re-cycling and all things environmental.

Is that correct?
sheeps

Welcome Plastic Man

When you pass away how would you like to be recycled?
Plastic Man

Good evening butts -thank you for your interest.

I am indeed a keen recycler. However, from the title of your post, I believe you may be referring to the track from The Fall, "How I wrote the elastic man", where the enigmatic Mark E Smith when performing, usually replaces "elastic man" from the published lyric with "plastic man", apparently as a comment as to how critics pay little heed to the published work.

I am afraid the truth is rather more boring. I am a plastic technologist (mainly extrusion and blow, fill, seal manufacturing) and a keen aquarist. I have developed a revolutionary plastic aquarium and thought this would be a good site to discuss the item with fellow aquarium keepers.

I've also written and issued a book on the subject (I was described in the Yorkshire Post as the first post-punk plastic pond publisher) and am hoping to shift a few units here.

As to you, sheeps old fellow, intriguing question. And if you'd stop licking your bollocks for a minute, I'd be happy to answer. I am told by my fellow fish-keeping enthusiasts that I am considered a priceless jewel in maintaining popular interest in the hobby. I guess the most appropriate way of recycling me would be to industrially transmogrify my remains into an artificial diamond then launch me into space.

(I'll have to have a word with the admin chappies. Surely it's not normal for a dog to keep trying to hump one's leg for so long. I'll suggest the time might be right for sheeps to pay a visit to Mr Snippy the vet...)

Good boy, down now...
grunt

Hello Plastic Man


Your revolutionary plastic aquarium sounds interesting. What makes it revolutionary?

What sort of haircut do you have and why?
bearing

This bloke is mad as a hatter!


Sign him up quick.

Welcome Plastic Man, what is your favourite polymer?
Butts

You'll do round here PM  - I can sense the tone rising already, just don't be put off by all the gayer threads and these *******.  
Mick McCann

Welcome Plastic Man, so is wood dead?

Are you into The Fall or do you just have an encyclopedic knowledge of the entire catalogue of popular music?
Plastic Man

My, my - you chaps certainly seem to be interested. (Note to self - get on to the publishers and fish bowl people and up the orders. Could have tapped a decent market here). What a lot of questions.

Grunt - you might have already seen or heard about my revolutionary aquarium. Fish are hermetically sealed in a sphere with more than enough food and oxygen to last them for the rest of their lives i.e. sufficient for about a week. (We source the goldfish from the Fairground Supply Company). Then when they've popped their wooden flipper covers, you chuck the whole lot in the plastic recycling bin. Went down a storm with the audience at the last public mass execution in the Beijing Olympic stadium. (The last wheelchair had barely left the place before the first firing squad turned up!)

Haircut - not too dissimilar to yours', Grunt. Number 3 back and sides, trimmed to match on top. Why? A number 4 is too long and a number 2 is too short.

Favourite polymer - starch. And before you ask why, I particularly like its post-fermentation product - beer.

Anymore for anymore?
Plastic Man

Papa Jo wrote:
Welcome Plastic Man, so is wood dead?

Are you into The Fall or do you just have an encyclopedic knowledge of the entire catalogue of popular music?


Thank you PJ. Mmmm... a rather philosophical question about wood. Lignin - a much underrated polymer! I wood say (did you see what I did there?) that wood in a tree is living, but when cut down and transformed into timber or paper or whatever, its potential for vitality is lost and therefore cannot be considered alive. But can death simply be defined in terms of loss of vitality? I'm a ruddy plastic technologist not a philosopher. Talking of paper, I have published a book. Would you like to buy one?

I cannot claim to be overly familiar with the majority of The Fall's oeuvre. As to my knowledge of popular music, this is generally limited to pre-circa 1992/3 or thereabouts.
Tank Girl

there are so may contenders for word of the day here i am spoilt for choice
grunt

Plastic Man wrote:

Grunt - you might have already seen or heard about my revolutionary aquarium. Fish are hermetically sealed in a sphere with more than enough food and oxygen to last them for the rest of their lives i.e. sufficient for about a week. (We source the goldfish from the Fairground Supply Company). Then when they've popped their wooden flipper covers, you chuck the whole lot in the plastic recycling bin.

I think I might have seen these. Are they hermetically sealed with a rubber band?

Quote:
Haircut - not too dissimilar to yours', Grunt. Number 3 back and sides, trimmed to match on top. Why? A number 4 is too long and a number 2 is too short.

not too dissimilar inasmuch as i have hair at the sides, back and top. I keep it longer though to disguise my funny-shaped head

Quote:
Favourite polymer - starch. And before you ask why, I particularly like its post-fermentation product - beer.

They use corn starch to make carrier-bags at my local wholefood store. They biodegrade in about 4 minutes. Luckily I live 3 minutes away and can make a tasty soup from what's left
grunt

Tank Girl wrote:
there are so may contenders for word of the day here i am spoilt for choice


Quite honestly I don't know what more I have to do.

http://regdafishthinktank.com/about861.html
Tank Girl

grunt wrote:
Tank Girl wrote:
there are so may contenders for word of the day here i am spoilt for choice


Quite honestly I don't know what more I have to do.

http://regdafishthinktank.com/about861.html


oh good grief, don't cry

that one did not qualify, it wasnt used in context love, you just explained what it meant.
Mick McCann

Tank Girl wrote:
there are so may contenders for word of the day here i am spoilt for choice


Is it my wood?

Is it, ey, my wood?
grunt

Tank Girl wrote:
grunt wrote:
Tank Girl wrote:
there are so may contenders for word of the day here i am spoilt for choice


Quite honestly I don't know what more I have to do.

http://regdafishthinktank.com/about861.html


oh good grief, don't cry

that one did not qualify, it wasnt used in context love, you just explained what it meant.


Well I find that most disconcerting, disheartening, and possibly incommensurate (though i'll have to just check on that last one)
Plastic Man

grunt wrote:
I think I might have seen these. Are they hermetically sealed with a rubber band?


(I say! From the looks of the photo, there appears to be a rather attractive filly out amongst this lot).

Grunt - I think you might be confusing hermetically sealed with herpes or possibly the application of small elastic bands around the base of young lambs' testicles to procure castration. Perhaps you'd like to get back to me on that point.

So errr, ummm... Tank Girl, are you, errr ummm... really a female of the opposite sex? Always a pleasure to meet, errr, umm, a lady fellow aquarist.
Seal

Hello PM. To see you, nice.

Can you put the following 3 words in your preferred order: recycle, reduce, re-use.
Plastic Man

Seal wrote:
Hello PM. To see you, nice.

Can you put the following 3 words in your preferred order: recycle, reduce, re-use.


Good evening Seal. That's quite a tricky poser. Do hyphenated  words precede non-hyphenated words? I'm a ruddy plastic technologist, not a flipping lexicographer.

On the basis that reuse is as an acceptable variant of re-use, I will go with standard OED order - recycle, reduce, reuse.

If you mean what is potentially the most significant means of ameliorating mans' impact on the environment? I would suggest being aware of what you are doing and try to avoid waste in its many variant forms.

Perhaps you could consider recycling, reducing or reusing?
Mick McCann

Plastic Man wrote:
I'm a ruddy plastic technologist not a philosopher. Talking of paper, I have published a book. Would you like to buy one?


Yes, can I have five please.
Plastic Man

Papa Jo wrote:
Plastic Man wrote:
I'm a ruddy plastic technologist not a philosopher. Talking of paper, I have published a book. Would you like to buy one?


Yes, can I have five please.


Good man PJ. It's called "Coming Out In A Bowl in Leeds, Yorkshire, England". You can get it through Amazon.

I'm currently writing another one about how embedding of electronic encryption devices in prize fish can go drastically awry. The working title is "Digitally Tagged in Leeds, Yorkshire England".

Are you involved in the literary world by any chance?
Forest

Howdy Plastic man.

Is your revolutionary aquarium made from polycarbonate and how big can they be made ?  (pictures?)

Also which footie team do you follow, if any?
Pond Life

Hello Plastic Man and welcome.

I was actually hoping that your name came from the Kinks song. If it's ok with you i will just pretend forever more that it is.

Thanks.

Oh yeah, question........er.......do you play an instrument and if so what have you got?
Plastic Man

Forest wrote:
Howdy Plastic man.

Is your revolutionary aquarium made from polycarbonate and how big can they be made ?  (pictures?)

Also which footie team do you follow, if any?


As you will appreciate, the actual plastic blend used is subject to commercial privacy. But our boffins reckon that they could be made to approximately to at least a cubic metre.

As to football teams, I had the "privilege" of standing in the Shed at Stamford Bridge watching Chelsea during much of their "glory, glory" days of the mid 1970s and early 1980s with the occasional awayaday, where success was measured in  promotion and often in avoiding relegation, on one occasion to the old Division 3. Yes I still have that passion, as with my father before me, but I can best describe my current involvement as "taking an interest".

Sorry to disappoint you Pond Life - no Kink's link that I'm aware of. I wish there was. I like The Kinks. Should I change my name to something about preserving village greens or summat?

I play the piano a bit. Badly.

I play the guitar a bit. Badly.

Are you trying to get a band together? Are you a Blues Brother?
Pond Life

You keep your name as it is. It's a great name.

Not trying to make a band no more just looking for a way to wedge in the news that i have my new guitar.
Plastic Man

Superstripe wrote:
Dear plastic man

Is the only solution to pollution dillution?

and

Where's Your Famous Service Crew?


There is always an option to incinerate. Would this help in your situation?

As to your question, "Where's Your Famous Service Crew?"

I've never worked for McDonald's. So, I don't know.
sheeps

Plastic Man wrote:


As to you, sheeps old fellow, intriguing question. And if you'd stop licking your bollocks for a minute, I'd be happy to answer. I am told by my fellow fish-keeping enthusiasts that I am considered a priceless jewel in maintaining popular interest in the hobby. I guess the most appropriate way of recycling me would be to industrially transmogrify my remains into an artificial diamond then launch me into space.



Good answer PM

*he mumbles through a mouth full of bollocks*
Mick McCann

Plastic Man wrote:
Papa Jo wrote:
Plastic Man wrote:
I'm a ruddy plastic technologist not a philosopher. Talking of paper, I have published a book. Would you like to buy one?


Yes, can I have five please.


Good man PJ. It's called "Coming Out In A Bowl in Leeds, Yorkshire, England". You can get it through Amazon.

Are you involved in the literary world by any chance?


No.
Pond Life

Plastic man, is there a particular title you would like?
Plastic Man

Pond Life wrote:
Plastic man, is there a particular title you would like?

Titles? How bourgeois! Normally I don't take any notice of such formalities.

You may address me as the 7th Earl of Otley, if you feel this is appropriate.
Tank Girl

He means the rank caption above your avatar picture, we can all have different ones, sometimes we choose them for people and sometimes they ask, you can be the 7th earl of otley if you wish. often we choose an aquatic themed rank.
Plastic Man

Tank Girl wrote:
He means the rank caption above your avatar picture, we can all have different ones, sometimes we choose them for people and sometimes they ask, you can be the 7th earl of otley if you wish. often we choose an aquatic themed rank.


Tank Girl - thank you for disambiguating several matters by your timely post.

What a fool I am - I don't wish to be known as the 7th Earl of Otley - I am the 7th Earl of Otley! But all this "Your Lordship" stuff is a pile of pants as far as I'm concerned.

The world of global plastic technology oligarchy is pretty egalitarian. Out here it's not a good idea to act like you're a bit sniffy about status now that the last poorly-lubricated wheelchair has squeaked its way out of the Beijing Olympic stadium and the firing squads are moving in for a public display of justice in action. Money counts - not which bunch of peasants your forebears ruled over.

And in particular, for clarifying that picture business. They're avatars, you say. I thought they were portrait pictures of the respective correspondents. Must say, I thought they very much looked like a rum bunch. So Grunt, isn't, you know...? Is PJ, you know.., a drummer? And your good self - no hat or fish under the arm...?

How disappointing. It's rather like making contacting with those ladies that advertise their conversational skills in gentlemen's relaxational magazines.

So my butler tells me.
lebowski

Are you microwaveable PM ?
Plastic Man

lebowski wrote:
Are you microwaveable PM ?


I am indeed able to make very small waving movements with my hands (microwaves), very large waving movements (macrobiotic) and any size you would like to select in between (medium wave).
Higgs Boson

PHGS?
Tolley?
Plastic Man

Higgs Boson wrote:
PHGS?
Tolley?


My dear fellow – let us look at the facts as currently presented. I am an oligarch of the plastic industry. I am an Earl. And I have a butler. Do I sound like the sort of chap who went to PHGS?

Many of the employees on the estate did though. I will ask Eddie the Butler to ask them if they know of this Tally chappie.

Talking of PHGS - that reminds me - its Mischievous night tonight. Better let the hounds loose down on the Sainsbury’s building site. We don’t want a repeat of that unfortunate sugar-in-the-tank-business that we had when they were building the bypass, now do we….
Higgs Boson

Plastic Man wrote:
Higgs Boson wrote:
PHGS?
Tolley?


My dear fellow – let us look at the facts as currently presented. I am an oligarch of the plastic industry. I am an Earl. And I have a butler. Do I sound like the sort of chap who went to PHGS?

So you work at Armitage Shanks and went to Benton Park then.
Plastic Man

Higgs Boson wrote:
Plastic Man wrote:
Higgs Boson wrote:
PHGS?
Tolley?


My dear fellow – let us look at the facts as currently presented. I am an oligarch of the plastic industry. I am an Earl. And I have a butler. Do I sound like the sort of chap who went to PHGS?

So you work at Armitage Shanks and went to Benton Park then.


Touché!

Fabulous juxtapositioning of Armitage Shanks and Benton Park - I spotted the toilet link straight away!
Sir Bulldog Craggwood

anything to do with this guy?

Plastic Man

The Serf of Craggwood wrote:
anything to do with this guy?


Sadly not.  Though he does look remarkably like Eddie the Butler.
Tank Girl

what is phgs please
Higgs Boson

Tank Girl wrote:
what is phgs please


Its a skool what I went to. Bit like Yorkshire's version of Eton.
Plastic Man

Higgs Boson wrote:
Tank Girl wrote:
what is phgs please


Its a skool what I went to. Bit like Yorkshire's version of Eton.


TG - I think you can tell from Mr Boson's humorous response, that it is a State School. It is a Public School only insofar that any member of the public can go there.

Now then. So it appears that there is at least one local chappie on here - I'll ask Eddie to see if any of the staff remember him.

As to you M'Tank Girl, it is clear you are either a)not local or b)local, but clever about it and keeping an eye on me.

It's all a bit tricky on this internet business - people pretending to be who they are not, as I was only just saying the other day to Gordon Brown when he phoned for a spot of advice.

PHGS - Prince Henry's Grammar School. If you didn't know that, then you are unlikely to have been educated there and therefore unlikely to be a relatively more senior member of my staff. And you're unlikely to have gone to Benton Park either. Even those alumni of the establishment who were virtually illiterate could probably recognise 'PHGS'. (Four letters they usually accompanied with other four letter words). So you are unlikely to be one of the manual workers. Even if you were one of the more outstanding educational products of BP, then you are unlikely to be able to use a computer, and if by some remarkable chance you could, the lack of full frontal nudity on this site is unlikely to hold your interest for long.

You claim you're not Carol Thatcher, but you have a stupid brother... (I'll try and trick her here...)... Is your mum dead yet or will several million people rejoice when she does kick the bucket?

Oh no! - you're not my mum by any chance. It's easy to tell - do many people address you as 'Ma'am', or 'Your Ladyship'?

If you are - Mum - I think Eddie the Butler has been hacking onto my computer again...
Higgs Boson

Clever bugger. Bet he's from Bramhope really.
Plastic Man

Higgs Boson wrote:
Clever bugger. Bet he's from Bramhope really.


My dear chap – you appear to be confusing class with wealth.

While some of us have the good fortune to benefit from both, the residents of Bramhope generally lack the former – and as for the latter?

Shall we say, the phrase “All fur coat and no knickers” is apposite.
Higgs Boson

Let's get this back on track...

You ever run across Old Ma Britten's cobbles?
Plastic Man

Higgs Boson wrote:
Let's get this back on track...

You ever run across Old Ma Britten's cobbles?


I very much doubt it.

I have people to do such things on my behalf, if it really is necessary.
Plastic Man

Just had word back via Eddie the Butler that some of the staff do remember a local cheeky young scamp by the name of Higgs Boson. The last they heard, he was now living somewhere around south-east London.

Recently Mr Boson asked of Mr Superstripe's recent sojourn on a boat on the Thames, "Is this recent? Just been on the roof here (yards from the Thames @ Greenwich) and can't see owt."

http://regdafishthinktank.com/ftopic1016-0-asc-0.php

Is, perhaps, "now living somewhere around south-east London"  a euphemism for holidaying gratis, courtesy of the Windsor hotel chain, in HMP Belmarsh?

One would sincerely hope not.

(But perhaps he was Benton Park rather than PHGS. That would explain a lot...)
Butts

Plastic Man wrote:


residents of Bramhope



It where all the plumbers live now.
Tank Girl

Plastic Man wrote:
Higgs Boson wrote:
Tank Girl wrote:
what is phgs please


Its a skool what I went to. Bit like Yorkshire's version of Eton.


TG - I think you can tell from Mr Boson's humorous response, that it is a State School. It is a Public School only insofar that any member of the public can go there.

Now then. So it appears that there is at least one local chappie on here - I'll ask Eddie to see if any of the staff remember him.

As to you M'Tank Girl, it is clear you are either a)not local or b)local, but clever about it and keeping an eye on me.

It's all a bit tricky on this internet business - people pretending to be who they are not, as I was only just saying the other day to Gordon Brown when he phoned for a spot of advice.

PHGS - Prince Henry's Grammar School. If you didn't know that, then you are unlikely to have been educated there and therefore unlikely to be a relatively more senior member of my staff. And you're unlikely to have gone to Benton Park either. Even those alumni of the establishment who were virtually illiterate could probably recognise 'PHGS'. (Four letters they usually accompanied with other four letter words). So you are unlikely to be one of the manual workers. Even if you were one of the more outstanding educational products of BP, then you are unlikely to be able to use a computer, and if by some remarkable chance you could, the lack of full frontal nudity on this site is unlikely to hold your interest for long.

You claim you're not Carol Thatcher, but you have a stupid brother... (I'll try and trick her here...)... Is your mum dead yet or will several million people rejoice when she does kick the bucket?

Oh no! - you're not my mum by any chance. It's easy to tell - do many people address you as 'Ma'am', or 'Your Ladyship'?

If you are - Mum - I think Eddie the Butler has been hacking onto my computer again...


M'Tank Girl?
what does the M stand for.

my mum is alive but many of her friends are dead or dying, she gives me very regular updates on their status....ie ...

Her -  do you remember Sandra Thompson?
Me -nope
Her - yes you do, she was that one with the hair when you were at school
Me- The hair?
Her - Yes the hair. She's got leukemia.
Me - Oh


By the way, I went to a very posh school, no boys allowed.
Plastic Man

Butts wrote:
Plastic Man wrote:
residents of Bramhope


It where all the plumbers live now.


Thank you for your comment. I wouldn't dispute your assertion. A few extra quid accumulated when things are going well - one can't begrudge any hard workers that. Unfortunately for the plumbers, with the potential chill winds of a recession looming, they would be wise to keep their fur coats tightly drawn around their groins and lag their piping well, as they are amongst the Bramhope population most likely to have the flimsiest undergarments, if any at all, to protect their nether regions (cf my earlier comment re: all fur coats and no knickers).
Plastic Man

Tank Girl wrote:
M'Tank Girl?
what does the M stand for.


As a pedantic note, it was intended as M', rather than M. A written approximation of an abbreviation of 'my', said, for example in the tone of a popular uncle enquiring of a favoured neice's progress in a 1950's film involving her public school education. It would probably been accompanied by proferring a Mars Bar and a box of tuck, but that is rather difficult to affect in a few words  on an internet forum. I have clearly overstepped the margins of the decorum expected of a gentlemen and uneservedly apologise to you or anyone else who may have been afected.

By way of atonement, I have set up a telephone help-line to assist you and anyone else affected by my recklessness. Ignore the following boring legal bit... (Calls from BT lines are charged at £1.50 a minute. Calls from other service providers may be more, and those from mobile services, frankly mental).

Tank Girl wrote:
my mum is alive but many of her friends are dead or dying, she gives me very regular updates on their status....ie ...

Her -  do you remember Sandra Thompson?
Me -nope
Her - yes you do, she was that one with the hair when you were at school
Me- The hair?
Her - Yes the hair. She's got leukemia.
Me - Oh


And all power to your Mum. Rest assured, regarding her interaction with you in relation to her friends, your difficulty in trying to remember them, their health, hirsuteness and vitality, is a common problem experienced by many of "a certain age".

Tank Girl wrote:
By the way, I went to a very posh school, no boys allowed.


I'm not so sure that gentlemen eduacted in single sex schools evolved to be as well socially adjusted as yourself.
Tank Girl

any more lip and I'll socially adjust you in a minute pal.

a certain age indeed.
Plastic Man

Tank Girl wrote:
any more lip and I'll socially adjust you in a minute pal.

a certain age indeed.


I have been embarassed yet again.  

My attempts at being mellifluous in my discourse have obviously been misinterpreted.

By a "certain age", I was intending to convey a modest modicum of maturity, such as that associated with the legal age to drive or to vote." Certainly not beyond one's second decade.
lebowski

Plastic Man wrote:
Tank Girl wrote:
any more lip and I'll socially adjust you in a minute pal.

a certain age indeed.


I have been embarassed yet again.  

My attempts at being mellifluous in my discourse have obviously been misinterpreted.

By a "certain age", I was intending to convey a modest modicum of maturity, such as that associated with the legal age to drive or to vote." Certainly not beyond one's second decade.


Nice use of alliteration in that apology.
Tank Girl

cuts no ice with me, he practically accused me of being senile.
lebowski

Tank Girl wrote:
cuts no ice with me, he practically accused me of being senile.


I know he did Dearie, now you just go and sit down and we'll bring you a nice cup of tea at eleven.
Tank Girl

please dont bring any more of those ginger nuts, they get stuck in my dentures
lebowski

Tank Girl wrote:
please dont bring any more of those ginger nuts, they get stuck in my dentures


We've made a note of it

* For christ sake !!*
Sir Bulldog Craggwood

Plastic Man wrote:
Tank Girl wrote:
any more lip and I'll socially adjust you in a minute pal.

a certain age indeed.


I have been embarassed yet again.  

My attempts at being mellifluous in my discourse have obviously been misinterpreted.

By a "certain age", I was intending to convey a modest modicum of maturity, such as that associated with the legal age to drive or to vote." Certainly not beyond one's second decade.


speak up proppa lad

stop trying sound like bamber bloody gascoigne
Higgs Boson

Ich dien dear boy. Ich dien.
bearing

Higgs Boson wrote:
Ich dien dear boy. Ich dien.


Then scratch it dear Boson, dear Boson, dear Boson, then scratch it dear Boson, dear Boson, scratch it.
Plastic Man

Higgs Boson wrote:
Ich dien dear boy. Ich dien.


Ich dien? I serve?

How long are you serving and what for?
Higgs Boson

Me serve you long time Plastic Man. For dollar in't it.
Plastic Man

Higgs Boson wrote:
Me serve you long time Plastic Man. For dollar in't it.


I meant how long are you serving in prison and what were you convicted of.

I'll see what I can do about offering you a job when you get out.

(Reminds me of a damn fine Dilbert strip recently. Catbert (the feline evil director of HR), interviewing a chap, comments that on reviewing the candidate's CV, the candidiate's sense of desparation is obvious.

Catbert: Our janitor recently passed away, so I have a job for you.

Candidiate: You want me to clean toilets?

Catbert: No, I want you to bury the janitor.
Higgs Boson

I got 8 months for sticking a postage stamp, bearing the Queens portrait, upside down on an envelope. Would have been only 3 months, but I had previous; impersonating a Chelsea pensioner.
(Couldn't send us some bifters, a jar of Vaseline and a £5 phone card could you gov?)
Plastic Man

Higgs Boson wrote:
I got 8 months for sticking a postage stamp, bearing the Queens portrait, upside down on an envelope. Would have been only 3 months, but I had previous; impersonating a Chelsea pensioner.
(Couldn't send us some bifters, a jar of Vaseline and a £5 phone card could you gov?)


I am outraged - only eight months? If you think I am over-reacting, how would you feel if someone similarly desecrated a portrait of your aunt - not just any aunt, but one who considers you to be their favourite nephew?

I'll get Eddie to ask cook to bake it all into a cake. No vaseline available at present - will lard suffice? Herbal bifters or legal?

Do you want cook to include a file while she is about it?
bearing

This 7th Earl of Otley isn't that posh.
Plastic Man

bearing wrote:
This 7th Earl of Otley isn't that posh.


Quite right, my dear chap, errr.... canine, errrr.... caretaker. Can't be doing with all that mincing about.

No airs or graces about me.

Lard is damned fine stuff. Been the grease of choice for the playing fields, changing rooms and dormitories of the top public schools for generations.
Higgs Boson

It's all becoming clear. I'd heard rumours of some hoity-toity character who'd recently started working at the Gay Lane Fisheries (lard heaven eh PM?). Could this be linked to the story in last weeks Wharfe Valley Times, regarding the recent sightings of a mental patient (thinks he's an earl) on the run after escaping from High Royds back in 1996?
Plastic Man

Higgs Boson wrote:
It's all becoming clear. I'd heard rumours of some hoity-toity character who'd recently started working at the Gay Lane Fisheries (lard heaven eh PM?). Could this be linked to the story in last weeks Wharfe Valley Times, regarding the recent sightings of a mental patient (thinks he's an earl) on the run after escaping from High Royds back in 1996?


Eddie informs me that the charming, current proprietors of the Gay Lane Fisheries are in fact Polish. Quite how one establishes whether they are hoity-toity or not is beyond my capabilities, as I don't speak the language. You could well be right. I'll ask Magda to investigate.

I have been reliably informed that the Wharfe Valley Times is in fact a free newspaper, which subsists on sandwiching a couple of stories recycled from the previous week's Wharfedale and Airedale Observer (a perfectly respectable local newspaper by typical standards [perhaps occasionally over-stepping the boundaries of taste by the inclusion of one too many stories concerning the gauche populace of Ilkley]).

I'm afraid that any self-respecting paper-person would have hoyed his/ her delivery into a hedge rather than fully brace the journey up the hill to the manse with a newspaper-overladen shopping trolley.

Given the WVT's two-stories per edition limit (typically one involving a distressed animal, the other involving an under 10's sports team) I would suggest it would be unlikely that a link would be readily established in such a journal between a fish shop and a mentalist imposter.

By chance, does HMP Belmarsh's library take the WVT?
Higgs Boson

After the time they tried to palm me off with a copy of the Greenwich Mercury - which led to a rather unfortunate rooftop dirty protest (which was only halted by the intervention of Shami Chakrabarti and the promise of a free guitar from Billy Bragg) Belmarsh does indeed take the WVT.
Plastic Man

Higgs Boson wrote:
After the time they tried to palm me off with a copy of the Greenwich Mercury - which led to a rather unfortunate rooftop dirty protest (which was only halted by the intervention of Shami Chakrabarti and the promise of a free guitar from Billy Bragg) Belmarsh does indeed take the WVT.


A remarkable overhead, smash, lob return, with swerve, backspin and pike.

15-love to you, Sir...

I trust the lard has made your life more comfortable.

Couldn't work out what you needed the phone card for. I thought all you chappies had mobile phones!
Higgs Boson

I smile and doff my foliage covered hat. "Right as rain, Mr Plastic Man ... Thank you, sir." I curtsy, and hustle toward the exit...
Plastic Man

Higgs Boson wrote:
I smile and doff my foliage covered hat. "Right as rain, Mr Plastic Man ... Thank you, sir." I curtsy, and hustle toward the exit...


Don't forget your lard....
grunt

Wh'appen?
Plastic Man

grunt wrote:
Wh'appen?


I think it goes to prove that lard can facilitate intercourse between different social strata.

And before you all start doing an exaggerated impression of Finbarr Saunders*, I am expressly limiting my use of of the term "intercourse" to:

1. Dealings or communication between individuals, groups, countries, etc.
2. Interchange of thoughts, feelings, etc.

*For those not familiar, a character from Viz comic who thrives on double entendres


Eddie, Eddie, Eddie - what have I got myself into? I was only trying to shift a few books and fish tanks in all innocence....

It's all become a nightmare on here. Zero interest in the book or tanks.

And all that recent stuff with Brand and Ross has re-started the bad dream reality... You remember the one, when I phoned Ma'am T at 3 am to inform her that I'd just slipped a wrong'un up her darling daughter... I can tell you, the response of the Special Branch and Flying Squad requesting immediate interviews was not conducive to a good nights kip...


Eddie - this voice translating thingy isn't still recording is it?.... Oh b*gger, can you ask Magda to come in and try and sort this out before I accidentally press the send butto
Higgs Boson

... Can't get a rise out of that lot then...How about you Plastic Man, you playing tonight?
Higgs Boson

Take that as a no then.
Plastic Man

Higgs Boson wrote:
Take that as a no then.


Sorry HB, old chap. Had an early start down to the smoke to accompany Auntie Betty at the Cenotaph.
Dock

Plastic Man wrote:
Higgs Boson wrote:
Take that as a no then.


Sorry HB, old chap. Had an early start down to the smoke to accompany Auntie Betty at the Cenotaph.


Welcome PM, with your royal credentials, do you get discounted beer at any Otley public houses? And if you do, do you have to be with us in person, or can we just use your name with endevour to get free ale?

*Catches 33 to T'Otley*
Plastic Man

Ahaddockinthenet wrote:
Plastic Man wrote:
Higgs Boson wrote:
Take that as a no then.


Sorry HB, old chap. Had an early start down to the smoke to accompany Auntie Betty at the Cenotaph.


Welcome PM, with your royal credentials, do you get discounted beer at any Otley public houses? And if you do, do you have to be with us in person, or can we just use your name with endevour to get free ale?

*Catches 33 to T'Otley*


Asking for a discount in a public house? I am Lord of the Realm, not some washed-up, has-been, minor celebrity, whoring myself round looking a for a few pennies off a pint on account of appearing on big x-factor dancing on celebrity ice squares many years ago.

Though I believe cousin Charles was once photographed sipping a half in a pub in an effort to ingratiate himself with the populace.

If you're desperate, I'll ask Eddie to arrange for cook to leave you a bowl of soup round the back of the stable block.
Pond Life

Eddie does a lot for you doesn't he?

Whats his surname?
Dock

Pond Life wrote:
Eddie does a lot for you doesn't he?

Whats his surname?


Floyd. Apparently he has a hammer which he hammers in the morning, and indeed, hammers all over this land. Sometimes he hammers out danger, sometimes a warning, and also hammers out love, between, his bothers and his sisters, aaaaaaaaallllll over this land.  
Dock

PM, would you consider having a drink with some of lower orders on Sat Dec 13th? Post - Colchester match?
Plastic Man

Pond Life wrote:
Eddie does a lot for you doesn't he?

Whats his surname?


Eddies' surname is Butler. Why do you ask? Do you think you know him?

I am indeed heavily reliant on Eddie's assistance. Strictly speaking, he's not my butler, more of all-round-top-bloke-and-sorter-out. But the term butler is a pun on his surname, more transparent to most people as to the significance of his role and most importantly, both tax deductible and a permissible expenditure against my royal household allowance. A win, win, win and win situation, I think you will agree. Four nil to the SEoE.

Originally met him in the army. Eddie is one of those thrill seeker types, flitting from one rock-hard training course to the next. Leading them, that is. From polar winter expedition training one week to intensive advanced Gurkha jungle skills the next. The bloke is a bloody marvel with a Kukri.

While he may not be everybody's cup of tea in the best mate stakes, suffice to say, if you were one of two captains picking up teams from a pool of potential friends, like children picking tag rugby teams in the playground, Eddie is the one you pick first.

He might not be the best, but the last thing you want is him playing for the other side.
Plastic Man

Ahaddockinthenet wrote:
PM, would you consider having a drink with some of lower orders on Sat Dec 13th? Post - Colchester match?


That's very considerate of you to invite me. It's always exciting to meet fellow aquarists.

I'm forever amenable to partaking of a G&T when the sun goes down over the yard arm. At that time of year, that will be about 11 am.

Where are you intending to rendezvous?

Should I bring some copies of my book and tank samples for you to peruse?
lebowski

Plastic Man wrote:
Ahaddockinthenet wrote:
PM, would you consider having a drink with some of lower orders on Sat Dec 13th? Post - Colchester match?


That's very considerate of you to invite me. It's always exciting to meet fellow aquarists.

I'm forever amenable to partaking of a G&T when the sun goes down over the yard arm. At that time of year, that will be about 11 am.

Where are you intending to rendezvous?

Should I bring some copies of my book and tank samples for you to peruse?


The tank samples ? Well, yes..... we'd love to see them.
Plastic Man

Meeting in the Palace - eh? Good choice - I didn't realise you chaps were so well connected.

But which Palace?

I had a look in Aunty Betty's diary - I'm a bit confused as nothing is scheduled in Buck P for that date. Did you mean something more local, Bishopthorpe or Castle Howard, perchance?

As to dress code: For the gentlemen - full evening/ military, or will a lounge suit suffice? Are honours to be worn?

Ladies: Full evening or will cocktail suffice?

And Ahaddockinthenet - I couldn't quite understand by what you meant by "Post-Colchester match?" Please could you elaborate.

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