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Jones the Steamed

Ashington, Northumberland

I've spent the last 2 nights at the Woodhorn Grange Premier Inn which is a rather nice lakeside location compared to the just off a roundabout close to a motorway venue that Premier Inns are normally stuck at. Nice location but just been saddened by 2 events tonight.

The 1st event was the sight of a bulbous bellied bloke wearing halved shorts/short trousers that stopped half way up his shins. The length of his strides was not the cause for concern, it was the black and white hoops on the one side that clashed somewhat with the fluorescent yellow and pink hoops running down his other leg.

Thought he might be German as he had black over the ankle socks and shite Asics trainees on to finish the look off, he was definitely speaking an alien language to me so he could have been a Jardie.

Second moment of anguish was meeting up with a hyper glass collector outside whilst having a Regal, the poor man was hoping to earn a job through collecting glasses without the managements prior notice. The fact he was missing a few teeth and had nicotine stained fingers wouldn't endear him to the manageress who I saw bollocking a few rather eye candyish waitresses for slacking when the poor fuckers were rushed off their feet.

Seems like the management of this gaff want 200% more out of their existing staff, what chance has a nicotine stain handed get off your arse bloke got when the bar is raised so high for the understaffed work force that's already fearful of losing a minimum wage job?

Back to the travel bit, I'm heading up to Dunbar on the A1 tomorrow afternoon and was wondering if there were any must see stops en route.

Holy Island maybe?
Pond Life

Great stories so far, keep posting more!!

The toothless glass collector, shame we cant get him on here.

I've never stopped on route up the A1 but it's a stunning drive, especially with the sun shining.


Ashington is where the Charltons are from. Lovely part of the world Northumberland. Great pub with food at Seahouses called the Old Ship if you come across it.

Everybody from Ashington was either a miner or a footballer.
Jones the Steamed

I was puffing some illicit Regal smoke out of my restricted opening window with a view to the lake just after posting earlier.

There's about a 100mm gap you can billow smoke out of your mouth away from the super sensitive smoke alarms that a steaming shower can set off, I suppose you're also meant to squeeze through the same gap if I set the landing on fire.

Logical answers to stop smoking in my no smoking room I suppose.

Anyway, whilst puffing away I saw gap toothed man still drinkless and looking a bit lonely on the benches outside.

I went down and bought Paul a pint and give him a couple of tabs, hasn't worked in 12 months and was dead chuffed when he set his mind on getting his last job that paid 175 a week minimum wage. Asked Paul if he'd had a craic and yes, he'd had some fun with a couple of young lasses on a nearby table but no chance of a job here.

Glad I bought him a pint and shared a ciggie with him but wish I could have shared in his optimisum in his job search.

Pond Life

Nice one Jones man. I fucking love people like you.

Holy Island is ace - like going back in time.

Some nice castles (Bamburgh, Warkworth) and Craister - the kipper capital of the UK.

Clacks would love it.
Plastic Man

If you look very carefully, the family and I were snapped in front of Bamburgh castle while they were Google Earthing (if it's not a verb, it should be) the place.

One very grainy shot only. I wouldn't bother searching - I had enough difficulty in recognising us - and we were there!

There's Alnwick on route - always popular.

If you're intending to visit Holy Island, if you're not aware already, you need to check the safe times to cross the causeway as it's closed for a few hours a couple of times a day due to the tide.
Jones the Steamed

Did the coastal route through Warkworth and Bamburgh then jumped on the A1 up to Berwick for a pint and stretch of me legs.  I was expecting Windy Miller, Pugh, Cuthbert or Dibble to cross my tracks at one point but only ran in to octogenerian drivers moving rather slowly about the country lanes.

The castles were impressive, the number of ice cream vans and people stuffing their faces was not.

Seahouses looked to have a record number of fish and chippies crammed within 1/2 a mile but I resisted stopping as I was needy of some fuel that I hoped to find in Berwick.  Got there and fuelled up in The Barrels Ale Pub with a pint of Edinburgh Gold, very tasty stuff that slipped down my throat with too much ease.  The decor, including the worn out dentists chair that a bloke with a Captain Pugwash eye patch was hogging tempted me to imbibe another jar.  I resisted.

The approah to Dunbar's not too impressive, first blotch is a power station and just beyond that is the ugly Lafarge cement works I'm working at in the morning.  Once in Dunbar you can't see the shitholes and it's a very easy on the eye little town.

I'm in The Rocks hotel, just pigged down Baked Red and Blue Fish in Lemon butter (Red snapper and sea bass) finishing off a bottle of Merlot after a delicious pint of Timothy Taylor all paid for by my company.

Life can be really good sometimes.

Oh, forgot to mention that I carried a young lads BMX up some steps in Berwick and didn't get nicked as a potential paedo.  Good deed for the day accomplished.

Sky Sports 1 on and hopefully England do the Aussies for an 8th straight 1 day win in a row.

Nos da.
Pond Life

These are fantastic mate. Well done on the potential paedo front. I tell my kids all the time when we are in the park "If an adult talks to you, smile, do not say a word and walk away", however i find myself talking to anyones kids who are near me.
Jones the Steamed

Pond Life wrote:
These are fantastic mate. Well done on the potential paedo front. I tell my kids all the time when we are in the park "If an adult talks to you, smile, do not say a word and walk away", however i find myself talking to anyones kids who are near me.

The thought process I had to compute was a bit strange as there was nobody else about on a riverbank footpath with a kid struggling to carry his bike up the first few of a bank of 30 odd concrete steps.  I wanted to help the little fella but was wary of disparaging eyes once I emerged on the main drag with a bike in my hand and the lad in tow.

Thankfully all went well and he scooted off home to a potential bollocking for allowing a harmless stranger help him out.  Hope his folks beef him up on Irn Bru from now on, I was quite knackered after lugging a few kilos of tube and rubber up them steps.

Back to today.

Had a breakfast combo that I'd never have thought out for myself this morning, fried egg, 2 local sausages, local bacon, beans and the absolute winning ingredient...haggis.  Only ever had the delicacy with tatties, peas and lashings of gravy before today, went down a treat with the more regular ingredients.

Yum , yum.

Attended to my business in Dunbar this morning then let the annoying cunt of a womans voice on sat nav guide me west on the A1 for the fastest route back to North Wales.  Had less than 1/4 tank of diesel when I blindly allowed the witch to take me to Wickerman country, no effigies in the distance but more alarmingly no petrol stations.

I spotted a figure in the distance just as I'm about to drop down to 3 red bars left in my tank, took a deep gulp and braved the possibility of being burnt alive to find the nearest refuelling depot.

The man was very nice, ruddy red cheeks that looked as though they'd been painted on and wearing a boiler suit and wellies, proper farmer ambling around his stead in 20+C summer time.  Turned out that Biggar was only 5 miles away but the diesel's 4p a litre dearer there so he drives the extra 20 miles to Edinburgh when he fills up.

Farmers logic I suppose.

Having avoided a ceremonial sacrifice I went on my way and thoroughly enjoyed the scenery on the M6 between Carlisle and Preston even though I racing at a minimum of 90MPH most of the way.  Apparently the Shap Fell section's been voted most scenic road in Britain, found it hard to believe until I rediscovered it today.

Next week I'll be mostly doing Essex, a place called the Golden Banana in Colchester needs my help to keep it golden.

Ta ta for now.

Haggis with breakfast is* a dream combo!

Biggar, just up the road from where that school coach crashed in the snow. There's also a mountain nearby called Robert Law.


Had a spell where I was going up to Scotland with a football mate of mine a couple of times a year.

His mam would do fried haggis with the breakfast, smashing stuff.

So's the reports J. Forum Index -> Strange plaices
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